Funny the Way it is (HD) Dave Matthews Band @ Beacon Theater

So True

In Memory

September 11

What must it be like to be a like to be a survivor, widow or 1st responder? Ten years. It is important to remember. The media coverage must be so painful.

Sept 2001 I was officially moved in with Mike. I was home sick the watching it all on TV. Mike was at the airport watching all that smoke.

I miss him so...

US Flag

Long Overdue For An Update

We made it through the two year anniversary. It was painful but a whole lot easier than last year.

We just went on a 4 day cruise w/ my whole family. It was a great time.

I'm dating someone special. Nothing serious but enjoying being out and about.

Money is tight. Looking for balance

Surviving

A day at a time. Miss you like hell but I'm gonna make it. some days more gracefully than others

I Should Still Post

I still miss Mike so much. Flashbacks and dating have probably kept me from posting. Not because I am ashamed or guilty. This is supposed to be about my journey. No TMI...let's just say dating can be awful. It can be fun. Surprisingly,  there are even some great moments. But life isn't right w/out you. And I found someone I feel comfortable with. Just a beginning, No expectations but it feels good and sad to feel really relaxed with someone new.  So I am living life. Sometimes it is hard as hell.This is Chapter 2. But I will always love and revisit Chapter 1, remember every bit.

A LONGTIME FAVORITE

Don't Be Sad

task over stages no timeline...ty

http://www.caring.com/articles/five-stages-of-grief

They Call it Chapter 2

I think I might be getting there

Hopeful

More peace, more positivity, more light. One breath at a time.

Wish Had More to Say.

But I don't

Flashbacks

Bad day. bad month. Meltdowns again, hate flashbacks so much

Anxiety is always proceeded by a thought*

Came to me tonight when watching the Superbowl. Kept missing him. Knowing his sister would have been calling during breaks to talk about the game. Thinking about our Anniverary on Tuesday. I'm sad. But I will pull through. It will take some time I think. I actually did ok last year but I had an overnight at a beautiful Inn and Spa. This year just the spa but that's OK. Just had a vacation. It just isn't a day I want to share with anyone I know.

*a psychologist told me this...not so with a panic attack as I would learn. But with anxiety. Not funny the way it is

I Want My Husband Back

Grief sucks. I wish someone could find this grief monster and put him out of my misery

On the Rollercoaster Again

First let me say I have so many blessings to count. Friends and family who come through with ease in the most important ways. People said there might be backlash from the WiddowBago. My backlash seems to get a slow start but it comes. Easier this way than just getting slammed.

I am so blessed that thanks to the gifts of the internet I have reconnected with a friend of long ago. He was an anchor, a mentor and brave enough to call me out on my shit. But with love, not cruelty. I so look forward to having him in my life again and catching up on all the years gone by. But mostly, for today and what is to come.

So, the grief monster has been hiding in the shadows. He is all over me now. The 8th would be our 8th wedding anniversary, his son has a birthday this week. He should be here. So, the anticipatory anxiety curse is back. I still have fun, I can deal. I just need people to let me cry when I need to. The tears won't kill me, believe me, I know.

And I need to say his name....Let me have that please.

Found this today.

I’m Gone now, but I’m still very near.


Death can never separate us.

Each time you feel a gentle breeze,

It’s my hand caressing your face.

Each time the wind blows,

It carries my voice whispering your name.

When the wind blows your hair ever so slightly,

Think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place.

When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face,

It’s me placing soft kisses.

At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly.

I’m one of those stars and I’m winking at you and smiling with delight.

For never forget you’re the apple of my eye.

– Mary M. Green

I Will Always Be Yours But Can You Help Me Through?

I miss you so. I don't want to let go. I will love you forever. Forget you? never. But I am here lonely for you. I am starting to open up. I know that's what you'd want me to do. You showed me perfect love. Are you watching me from above? I don't want to be alone forever. Will you send me someone till again we are together? It will always be you. That's a promise, it's true. I'll see you again when my days are over and done. But can you send me a special someone? Not just any guy. Another who will make me laugh till I cry. I want to have some fun and companionship. Not worrying yet about a permanent relationship.

I am going to live each day honoring you. But I know you love me enough to send me someone true. I love you Mike. You were one of a kind. I don't want to replace you but lonliness is on my mind. Your son needs men around. No one will replace you but I want him to feel free, not bound. Promise me no matter the future, alone or in love; We'll be together in the life up above.
                   
Love you forever and a day. In each and every possible way.

(I am starting to notice people. Is there someone else out there for me?)

The Recovery

Monday I had a great flight home on JetBlue. Came home with Laryngitis but otherwise in surprisingly good shape. Was great to have family time. I am sorry the kids missed me but it's kind of nice to be missed.

Tuesday the foot was swollen and I had no voice. Took a 5 hr afternoon nap.

Wednesday- No voice. Acupuncture. Gained 3 lbs but blame it on the salt and fat from eating out (I didn't have any desserts!). Blood sugar was very good. The acupuncture gave me most of my voice back!

Had the surprise pleasure of a spontaneous lunch w/ two of my trio. On the way home I rear ended a van. Ugh. Some aches and pains a few hrs later. I am worried about my car. More family time...another season of Americann Idol begins.

Thursday. Lost 4 lbs! All the vacation gain plus one. Foot still swollen. Lazy day. More family time. Idol season brings a lot of that. Expecting MORE snow.

I want to write something beautiful about my experience at the Bago but right now all  I can do is journal.

I feel like I might be in a new place. I usually feel much sicker after a big weekend. I think this acupuncture needs time but is the key. That and a more positive outlook.

I miss Mike like hell but I feel I should be getting out more, enjoying life more and connecting with people.

"No day but today."

Ft Lauderdale WidowBago Jan 14-17, 2011

Lauderdale By the Sea:

September 2010 -I really started considering how much I might gain from attendng this "bago'. It seemed well organized and well established. I knew I could not afford to go but was lucky enough to have loving benefactors who knew how much I needed this. I saw that some of the NYC Bago crew was going and decided it would be helpful to know more people. I always missed the meet ups due to health and they were a little late in the evening for me.

Then the Sept meetup was earlier in the evening and my dear friend drove. There were lots of people there. Some going, some to be convinced others we missed.  What an awesome and diverse group! Another dear friend brought me to another later.  Now I had even more widdow and widdower friends.

I asked a local friend to room with me booked my flight and started planning for January.

As time went on I found out one of my dearest widdow friends would be joining us. I started becoming facebook  friends with many people from the board and the excitement kept building.

January 14, 2011---Best flight ever on JetBlue. Ft Lauderdale is beautiful and a happening place. met up with friends and soon to be friends at the Tiki Bar. The NYC crew went to dinner together. It was so comfortable.

That night I met so many people. There were laughs and lots of fun. I spent some time after dark alone staring at the sea. It came over me that although it was beautiful and awesome I would not be there if Mike had not died. Very sad but took advantage of the energy of all those great widdas. Slept great!

January 15 Saturday= I took it easy and one of my best widda friends arrived. Anytime I wanted to see people all I had to do was show up at the Tiki bar/pool area. Sat pm....wonderful dinner out. CRAZY WILD night at the Tiki bar!!!! Slept great again but it was a late night and Sunday morning was the Rose Ceremony. 

January 16 9:15am Sunday- Different colored Roses were placed in a heart shaped circle on the sandy beach. It was heartbreaking. I needed my cane to get there. I think everyone was a little shocked by the contrast from the fun the night before. But it was important to honor why we found eachother and the common bond that brought us there and to show our love for our dearly departed soulmates. Someone who had been doing this for years was smart and experienced enough to big a big box of tissues.Some  beautiful words were said. I picked a fully bloomed beautifully fragrant red rose. I picked up a peice of baby's breath to send along for Anthony. When I threw them to the sea I turned my back so I wouldn't know if the waves brought it back. Much sadness. Decided to skip brunch out and save my foot for the big dinner out. I prayed, meditated, read my kindle. Then little by little people starting coming back to the pool area and we had rest, relaxation, great conversation. Dinner was awesome. More fun at the Tiki Bar then time to say goodbye since we were leaving early in the morning. I now have a bunch of new facebook friends. Beautiful pictures and memories. Deeper connections. I want to go every year but unless my health and financial situation improve that won't happen. But I have my trio, new friends and I'll be sure to get to the City more.

Being with other young and youngish widdows is the best medicine. Beautful memories. Healing.

“for whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / it's always ourselves we find in the sea” -E. E. Cummings

My Presents on Mike's Birthday

Our new baby grand daughter as born safe and sound.
The balloon we sent up flew away so fast I could swear you grabbed it,

My dear, dear friend helped me feel my feelings today (again) I know you are proud of him

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Miss him


Today I think of you

Today I smile

Today I am blue

Today I am in Denial



You left us too soon

You have gone away

The way you would swoon

Makes me wish you could stay



God gave you to me

Just for a little while

If we could only be

Within a mile

I would scream your name

Shout it and yell

So that everyone who heard me

could clearly tell

How much I love you

How much I care

How much we miss you

At your pictures we stare

Your voice still echoes

throughout the walls of my heart

I wish this pain would go away

I wish it would stop

But the best years of my life

are when I'm known as Mrs. Mike Pop!

Posted by Mikey B

Happy Birthday Mike

Haven't felt like writing much. Today is your birthday. Couldn't get the off duty sign for the headstone like you wanted. So will put one here. Waiting for you newest granddaughter to be born. Love you forever.

So Lucky To Have a Friend Who Gives My Thought Words...Perfectly

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Love him


I wrote this because I just had an urge to do it,

I wrote it as if I was looking through someone

Else's eyes, as if I caught a glimpse of what their

Soul might be feeling... These are my

Interpretations and reflect only how I think

Someone might be feeling based on my

Own personal experiences....





...Give me something real

Something to hold on to

The sensation and to feel

Is all I ever wanted from you



Your warm embrace

Your soothing touch

These dreams ill forever Chase

I love you so much!



The glow in your eyes

When you looked at me

Forever in our lives

Is how long I trust thee



Our lives are forever

Here and up there

Until we're together

I'll always wish to be your last fare



Whistling up a cab

Is something I'll never ever do

Missing you hurts so bad

Michael, I love you!
 
(Thanks isn't enough to say Mikey B)

Another Year Without You

It was hard to face. I am lucky enough to have a knack for knowing who to connect with and when. So I am letting it out.  I miss him. It hurts. I wish I could scream. But the year is here. I have sorrows ahead. I also have things to look forward to and blessings to count.

How could I not miss you? My soulmate. Love you forever....and for eternity too. Forever doesn't seem enough with only me here. We're OK. Keep watching out for us.

Snowed In

It just doesn't look safe out there for me. No acupuncture. Let's see what tomorow brings. I am a little stir crazy but it is what it is.

I feel hopeful today.

In the thick of it

Christmas just wasn't Christmas for me. We are having one hell of a blizzard today. I am sad, achy, miserable. Spent almost the day sleeping because being awake hurts. At least a few special people made me smile today.

Hoping we won't be snowbound again tomorrow. I need to get out. But if I am stuck here tomorrow I will put up with it... but Tuesday is not an option. I have to get to Dr. Shi for my acupuncture.

Thanks for the giggle MB...stay warm. Be safe.

My Best Christmas Present

Cold are the days, when we miss you the most


Sunny are the hours when we hold you close

Shadows come, winters fall

We miss you the same today

as we will tomorrow

...Stay close, stay warm

Keep us safe from harm!

I love you! We love you!

In Peace forever I shall be

knowing that you loved me!
(thanks mikey B)

It is Christmas Eve

Holding you in my heart. Love you forever

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

(Talk about magical thinking.)

This will be our 2nd Christmas with out you. We are sad and lonely with out you here. Noone seems to have a clue. Sadness covers us like fallen snow. Don't have the heart to raise a tree or place a bow. I try so hard to feel you near. I look for you, I pray. All I find is fear.

Are you with us or are we done? We try to honor you with laughter and fun. Please send us a sign your love is here. I need so much to feel you near.

Be my Christmas Angel please. When I call your name answer back and put me at ease.

I don't know where Heaven is. This can't be all there is! I want to believe we'll be together again. Love you forever and till we meet again.

Dear Lord, please answer my prayer. Sometimes this grief is more than I can bear. Help me keep my faith in love that never will never end. It just can't all be pretend. I am trusting you to care for the man who is my heart, my soul, my knight in shining armour, my favorite song. Every breath I take is for his memory and to see that he lives in my heart forever long.

I want to be with him on the other side. Please send me a sign that's where we will reside.

Merry Christmas Baby. If I close my eyes can you come to be maybe?

My strongest faith is that you are with your grandson. He's a part of me too because of my love for you. Will you bring him to meet me when my days are done? I choose to believe you will because you always said you loved me more than I did you. I know you hated to be wrong but my love outlasts death and it's just not true. The reason our marraiage was the best, is because you loved my into loving you as much, if not more. Forevermore. Baby, you were my everything. I pray you are in eternal rest.

you were my dream come true while you were alive. If I know we will be together again I can survive.

It's our 2nd Christmas with out your presence. I don't need jewelry or any pesents. All I want for Christmas is you. Give me my Christmas wish...the feel of you.

DAY BY DAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU13C3vSwcs

Had to wake pete at 230am. funny the way it is,I can't get that Godspell song out of my head!

Day by day


Day by day

Oh Dear Lord

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day

HOLIDAZE

Emotions are running high I feel I am one of few who has  priorities straight. Yet I can only be pulled in so many directions at once. No matter what I do or don't do, someone is unhappy. Well, gonna take care of me. Because if I don't,  noone will. And  then I can't do shit for anyone anyway.

I'm doing this my way. Note: I don't shit all over anyone while doing it. Leave me alone. Thank you.

All I want is some balance. Please just leave me some peace so I can recognize it.

Cry, scream, sleep all day, pray meditate, medicate whatever. Just do it.

And if one more dgi gets in my way that balance is going to swing in a really bad way.

The word of the day is.....Frustrated.

Can't wait for vacation. IIJY? (Is It January Yet)

Mike Can Be At Peace Tonight

On December 17, 1999 Michael's beloved grandson Anthony died in his crib at less than 16 months old and obviously right before Christmas. Anthony is my grandson I never met here on earth. I met Mike after Anthony's passing. If Mike were here, he would not sleep tonight. He'd suffer horrendous grief tomorrow. He always grieved very hard for Anthony and had horrible recurring nightmares. But his birthday and last day were always the hardest.

We had a Memorial Candle for Anthony at our wedding and dedicated our ceremony to him.

So we remember Anthony every day, but especially tomorrow, the anniversary of his passing. I think Eric Clapton is right and there are no "Tears in Heaven." So this is one of two days when I can find  peace with the fact that Mike is gone because he is with Anthony and there is no suffering for him. Just us.

Bless you Anthony Michael Popovitch. Give Pop-Pop a huge hug for me.

I Want You Back

Enough already!

Please Keep Monday From Coming

Monday will be 18 months since I lost my husband. How can that be?

A year and a half. I don't think I am willing to face this. But I guess there is no acceptable alternative.

For Our "Other Mike"

 Thanks. Because you're amazing and you inspired me to find my words. And because you gave me happiness that lasted at least a week ;-) 



Strong as a rock



Soft as angel's wings


Breath of fresh air


A gift of love and healing


Funny and sweet


Charming and spiritual


Be true, be safe, be you
 

Grief Counseling

I wanted to start grief counseling right away. I am a talker and I had so much to face right away. I started one on one about 3 months out.I talked, she listened, gave some advice and kept telling me I was normal and doing great.

A few months later I tried a group.It was comprised of people with mixed losses and I could tell we were never going to form a cohesive group. It was too much for me at the time. I know people who have done very well in group but this wasn't for me. I was spending my time in individual talking about how taumatized I was by group. My counselor, the group counselor and I all agreed it wasn't the right group or the right time.

My individual counselor told me as long as I was informally seeing my young widow friends, I did not need a professionally run group. She was so right. I was able to leave individual counseling at the end of June.

I can always go back for a tune up if I need to. In the meantime I always know what I will be facing and get great coping advice from my friends further along on this grief rollercoaster....They are my blessings.

To the Newly Widowed

I am no expert. Everyone's journey is their own. But I have learned a few things:

1. Ask for help. Let them clean your house, feed you, shop for you, whatever they or you can think of.

2. Drink lots of water. Crying so much can really dehydrate you.

3. Go to the board and share your scariest, craziest thoughts...others have been there and they will tell you you are not alone and not crazy. There is also a lot of great advice when you are facing a difficult milestone.

4. It gets better. then worse, then better but ultimately easier but that takes time.

5. Get together with other widows. go to a 'widowbago" you won't believe how great you will feel.

6. Screw the DGIs....they are called that for a reason.

7. Don't blame yourself. Actually, blaming anyone may interfere with your healing. They are still gone. (of course this doesn't apply to violent negligent death or murder but keep it focused, your blaming still can't bring them back.)

8. Try to sleep however and whenever you can.

9. Resist setting deadlines for grieving...forget that!

10. When you start raging IMHO, you are really starting to heal (funny the way it is)

11. Never give up

12. Honor them, celebrate them but learn you will celebrate your new life someday too.

13. You don't have to take anyone's advice (mine included) if it doesn't feel right for you.

14. you are not alone

15. you need to be selfish. learn that is actually a positive

16. No matter how much you wish you could be with them, whether passively or actually suicidal, someday you will find yourself reaching out to someone who is now where you were. I am always in awe of the widows I thought were really in danger when I see them, later, helping others.

17. I truly believe they live on in us.

Emotionally Drained

Funny the way it is; I no sooner decide worrying about what hasn't happened yet is B/S. and I am thrown right back in to stress. I entered my marraiage as a single, never married, no kids career woman. Now, he's gone and I finally realize I am now a single Mother. Pete's been sick twice the last 2 weeks. I am on hyper alert. Mike should be here and I really miss him. Thankful Michele has been so much help but I want my husband back. The money is just not here. I feel the weight of the world bearing down. I am tired. And then I hear scary news about someone we all love. Finally the damn breaks and all the stored up tears flow. You have to stay safe. We can't take losing anyone else.

Happy Today

Weird....I feel happy, not much pain, not much fatigue. I could get used to this. I guess I accumulated a few extra spoons over the lazy weekend.

Enjoying this moment.

Sad

Not quite grief stricken. It was really great to catch up with an old friend today. It was fun. But I am really aching for my husband. It makes me remember how empty I felt before Mike came into my life. It was so full with him.

 I guess making it thru the ER visit and the Holiday is finally backlashing on me.

I can't say my life is empty. But my heart aches...there is a big empty place there that Mike took with him. Seeing this friend reminded me of all the total jerks I dated before Mike and how lucky I am he found me. But it wasn't enough time. I hope there is someone else out there who can love me as I am. But if not, I have great memories.

Grief sucks

Winthrop Emergency Room

That is where we said goodbye to Mike after he was pronounced. I used to meltdown and have flashbacks for days just driving by. I swore I would never be able to walk through those doors again. Then Sunday came. Winthrop was the best choice to treat an infection Pete had. No choice. I did it and I did it with what I have always sought....Grace.

You can do anything when it's for your loved one.

Nothing will ever be as painful as the actual death.

I had some flashbacks and expected to fall apart when it was all over. Still haven't.

I have a real problem with anticipatory anxiety. I learned a true life lesson. Worrying about what hasn't happened yet really is a bunch of bullshit.

A Vision

Funny the way it is: Many equate seeing butterflies around with visitations from their loved one who has passed. Yesterday, while very relaxed during acupuncture , although  indoors and awake,  I saw a vision of a bouquet of blue butterflies floating away. I reached out and and asked Mike if he was there. Didn't feel anything. So, visitation or vision from the natural opiod effect of acupuncture? When I told the doc he said sometimes people see "colors". Anyway... this session was tranquilizing and I slept very well last night.

Donate Life Update

I knew Mike gave the gift of sight to two people but didn't know what happened to his donated bone. The NY Organ Donor Network sent me this update:


November 16, 2010

Dear Lisa,
Here is information on the release of some of Michael’s donated bone;
34 individuals between the ages of 17 and 77 have received some of Michael’s donated bone and associated tendons. These individuals live all over the United States, from New York to Washington State and from Illinois to South Carolina. Their surgical procedures included knee repairs, hip repairs, back surgery to repair collapsed disks, and oral surgery to build up jaw bones. Some examples of these are shown below.
A 17 and 27 year old males in New York City have had knee tendons repaired so that their mobility is fully restored. A 54 year old man in Michigan has had a hip repair using the head of Michael’s Femoral bone (large bone in upper leg). Several older individuals in Texas have had jaw bones built up with bone chips from Michael’s donated bone. They should be able to get better fitting false teeth or even implanted teeth thanks to these procedures. Men and women from Oregon, Tennessee, Missouri, Montana, North and South Carolina and Washington State have been able to move without back pain due to spacers made from your husband’s donated bone.
Michael’s donated bone has made a difference in the lives of these 34 people. He has become part of each of the recipient’s recovery of an improved life.
Please call if you have any questions.
Warmest regards,

Arlene Barnett

How great is that?

So Much for Plans

My car wouldn't start right before my lunch date. Lot's of anxiety and dissappoitment but I just needed a new battery. Still, I didn't need to spend the money. Ended up breaking out in hives. That led to benadryl which turned into a nice nap.

Just a Day

Ordinary day I guess. Tired but not as much as yesterday. Have some plans this week including some widow time so that's good. Pretty balanced today. That's the goal.

Mike Made People Laugh

He used to say he was a "sitdown comic". Those of us who knew him know most of his jokes were hysterical, obscene and usually way beyond innappropriate. So if you knew him, think about how he made you laugh or made you say, "you are so bad!" . Or something like that.

Instead of repeating them I'll tell you his motto, which was his dad's...

"Gotta know where you stand."

Mike's best friends were his special customers. Everytime he thought of dropping this grueling business he didn't want to lose them. I know many of them miss him so much too.

17 months

My Dear Michael.

I feel empty without you. The more time passes the more real it becomes. I miss you like hell. But as much as it hurts I don't think missing you can ever beat loving you. I WANT YOU BACK!

Imagining you playing with Anthony and watching over us.

You are every beat of my heart.

Organ Donation---The Gift of Life

I've been on the organ donor registry since I got my license. Mike never made his wishes clear but he had a customer who was part of a landmark 5 way transplant that year. He thought it was amazing. All religions allow organ donation. If you believe differently check out the donate life link. Mike's internal organs were not suitable for transplant. But he gave two people the gift of sight and his bones were harvested to help those with bone cancer and who needed cadaver bones. Funny the way it is that you aren't home ten minutes from the hospital when they call for the organs. Shocking. But at least distracting. I don't like to think of the details but I am glad I did it. Here is the memorial patch Michele made for a donate life memorial quilt:

The quilts travel around to events to raise awareness about organ/tissue donation and honor the donors.

I believe you can't take it with you so you might a well help others.

Mike's Death

The most intimate details will not be shared here. Mike had been losing weight and I'd say the last few weeks of his life were the happiest I'd seen him in a long time Life gave us many troubles but we never had trouble in our marriage, We were positive and happy the week he died. His diabetes and blood pressure were not under control. He worked around the clock. It seemed nothing could stop him. Mike's last call that day was at 4pm. He had a pick up the next day I knew nothing about. (only death could keep Mike from a pick up.) He did mention that day and the day before that he didn't feel"right". We enjoyed chicken parm heroes, some family time and then went upstairs to bed. Eventually, he was coughing and having trouble getting air. I'd seen this before and although brutal it always passed, this time seemed worse. I thought an ambulance should be called but he'd have none of that I didn't call the ambulance until he fell to the ground. Nothing could be done. We were spared an autopsy because he was diabetic and hypertensive and morbidly obese. We figured out quite quickly that it was probably not a heart attack but a "Triple A" Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. That gives me peace because he was dead when he hit the ground. It alleviated the guilt of not being able to save him. He was 54. I was going to be 46 not even a few weeks later. We didn't have enough time. We were married 6&1/2 years (almost) I miss him all the time. I hate seeing his kids in pain. He took up a lot of space in our lives. We try our best but there is no way to fill it.

Needless to say I don't imagine I will ever eat a chicken parm hero as long as I live.

I do pray, honor him, talk to him and keep his memories alive.

Rollercoasters Always Terrified Me

Funny the way it is the most common explanation of grief is that it is a rollercoaster ride. I've had full blown panic attacks on real rollercoasters. This grief rollercoaster has been scary as hell but I've ridden it. Mostly because I have no damn choice and at least I know I am not alone. As time has passed I feel more like riding unpredictible waves. Sometimes I still find myself on that terrrifying ride though. The waves can suck too...ever feel like you are drowning?

Planning the Wedding

I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!! No bridezilla here. I wanted a simple but beautiful wedding and it was a dream come true! Although he'd tease he wanted the wedding to be at Nathan's and to have an ATM machine there, he really let me do everything the way I wanted. It was a perfect day; even though I fell on the dance floor. (not with him, he'd never let that happen!) I treasure the memories of my wedding planning and the actual wedding day.

How We Met

When we met he was part time dispatching at All Seasons and had his own car and was doing "contract work" for them. After surgery I was living at Mom and Dad's. He would often pick up my morning call to work. We talked a lot. I could tell how much he loved his children and at that time his one Granddaughter. He was funny but grieving terribly for his first Grandchild who died at 16 months old. He was always planning businesses he could teach his son to brighten his future. Of course I liked him.I had no idea he wanted more than to be friendly in the beginning. It didn't take long for him to make it clear he wanted more. I wasn't interested but enjoyed his company. on a selfish note, it was great to call for a pick up and never wait. Then one day I got septic at work, noone was around to call so I called Mike. He was there in no time flat. I had the rigors (deep shaking). It was so painful and I had a high fever. Of course I ended up in the hospital. each day mom would tell me some guy mike called for me and seemed extremely concerned. Shortly after I"gave in" and we went on some drives together. I guess we were dating. We made it official 7/3/01, Mom's bday. We went up to Bayville and talked about having a relationship. he loved me so much how could I not love him? getting involved with his daily life I fell in love with him even more. I moved in almost right away and started attending Pete's school meetings (Mike was always in that car). In December when we were engaged little more than a month, I took Pete to surgery and stayed overnight with him. that winter Mike went to the hospital for pnuemonia, rule out congestive heart failure. scary! I wanted to stay with him at the hospital but he made me go home to be with the kids. Luckily, he recovered quickly though we would have another episode a few years later. Mike had his own way of interpreting his health and how to manage his meds. I tried to help but he was a grown and very stubborn man! I fit right into his life. It was so easy. And amazing to be in love with someone who loved me back unconditionally. I got sick again and that was it for work for me, No more running myself down. I had someone whatching over me now.
Mike was such a flirt and had a long list of pick up lines. I fell for them all before I knew he dropped them on everyone including the old ladies he'd bring to chemo each week! Everyone close to him backed up that he swore he'd never get married again. But, he said he knew right away he'd marry me.

You Just Might be a DGI if...

you say:

*but aren't you glad you had him/her?

*don't worry, you are young, you will find someone else (especially at the wake/funeral/Shiva call or in the first few months)

*He/She is in a better place

*I know exactly how you feel, I lost my _____________ (dog, cat, fish, turtle, grandmother, uncle etc)

*you need to move on

*it's been a year, you shouldn't be upset by every milestone anymore

*I don't call because I don't want to bother you

*don't cry in front of your child

*you never want to come out anymore (especially applies to bars)

* God needed him/her more than you

* I just can't believe he would want to be creamated--yep, I got this one about a week after the funeral. Really? When were you married to him? He made you a millionaire and you screwed him left and right. Didn't see you offering to pay for his funeral. f$%k off, you are a low life.
-

Don't
Get
It

PLENTY MORE TO COME...

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

from don Miguel Riuz


1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

My poem on the eve of four months

For Mike on the Eve of Four Months


On each card, every occasion, "Love you Forever" I would say.
Each night I'd ask, "do you know how much I love you? to the moon and stars and back again.". Then I'd sleep the night away.

To fall asleep you would hum "Ramble On". It was your favorite song.
It's "Real Love", it's really real we'd sing along.

"I'll Stand by You" our wedding song you engraved into a heart I wear.
I stand by your grave lost because you have my heart. I find no comfort there.

I try to see you in the stars up in the sky.
Your love reflects back at me through your loved one's eyes.

I'll miss you forever until we fulfill our fate.
When you bring Anthony to meet me at Heaven's gate.

I pray for your soul, wishing you peace and rest.
I imagine you playing baseball in heaven with your Grandson. I love that thought the best.

Rest in peace, watch over us and keep us safe and sound.
We need to feel you with us, we are lost without you around.

The Finish Line

"Funny the Way it Is". There is NO finishline. Not happy about it but it's true. It changes It ebbs and flows. You laugh, you cry. After awhile you don't constantly meltdown but you'll still get slammed by the grief monster. They say you shouldnt make any major life chages the first year. Yet, we had no choice but to move 5 weeks after Mike's sudden death and before my guardianship of his son was settled. Luckily my sister in law was here and did just about eveything for us, I was numb and in shock. I slept, I did what people told me I had to do. I cried so hard I'd violently throw up. 11-12 months were the worse. No longer numb and facing the one year since his death was hell. one year didn't make it go away but now, for me it is more about just missing him. I am frustrated. I rage about just about anything that annoys me but I can't bring myself to be mad at him. I survive by honoring him. By acknowledging that I want him back but know he is gone...except here in my heart.

So those wise people further ahead on this jourey tell me I'll always have grief in some form. But I have hope. I know it is easier than before and believe it will continue to get easier.I know I'll still get my ass kicked by grief at times. But I'm not alone. I'll walk with you on this journey, just don't look for that finishline....there is none.

But it gets easier. I promise.

MUSIC

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”-unknown



I sang this song in my head everyday in my life with Mike....wish it could still be





Mike's Song:


Our song once we'd been married for awhile:



Our Wedding Song

Mike's sister sang this version during the unity candle ceremony in our wedding


Wedding Recessional




Wedding Cake cutting Song





Thank you Matt

I'm a Spoonie

I live with quite a few chronic illneses. I grew up with birth defects that resulted in too many surgeries to count. I was attacked in college. I have body image issues. I used to be a strong successful working woman. But I was the Queen of stress. When I met Mike I was working but had been in and out of the hospital with septicemia. I was being treated for situational anxiety. He came in to my life and loved me exactly as I was. I mellowed in my time with Mike. I finally had to admit I couldn't work anymore. Each episode of septicemia was worse than the last. the fatigue was bone crushing. While we were together I went to the hospital with a fever over 106 degrees. I remember hallucinating, the ice packs and my roommate screaming for help because I was so sick and noone answered the bell. Since then, my full time job is to stay out of the hospital and help Mike's son reach his potential and realize unconditional "motherly" love. I used to volunteer a great bit. I can't do as much as before but I try my best. Now that Mike isn't here to boost my self esteem it is more important than ever that I do for others to the best of my ability. He is also no longer here to threaten to "remove the tires and put the car on blocks" so I don't overdo. The kids try to keep me in check. But it is my job to learn balance. My whole life I've believed my life will be better if I do for others. Being on disability and no longer having Mike's $ has added terrible stress to our lives. But we won't break. We do our best to help ourselves and do what we can to affect some positive change in the world. But some days I just don't have any spoons. Click on But you Don't Look Sick link on the left to read the 'Spoon Theory'. The best explanation of living with chronic illness I could ever imagine. I just wish I could predict how many spoons I'd have each day! The pain stress depression cycle is a reality. Grieving really complicates it. When is it my health? When is it my grief? Secret...usually it's both.
Here is a shortcut to TheSpoon Theory but I do recommend you visit the site:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

Congrats Christine on the Spoonie video:

favorite quotes/sayings/blessings

no particular order:


‎"As a widow you will learn that the only choice that ultimately brings peace is walking the path of grief that has your name on it. The only way to walk with grief is to meet it head on and know that those who have walked before you have survived." ~Linda Perrone Rooney
Love never ends.....-Corinthians

Once you choose hope, anything's possible- Christopher Reeve


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. ~George Eliot ( this one took more than a year to become meaningful)


Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss


Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.-Edna St. Vincent Millay...my favorite poet...this is fresh raw grief. the story of the beginning of my grief journey.


Tears are the silent language of grief. Voltaire


If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together…there is something you must remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart…I'll always be with you. -Winnie the Pooh

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.-Eskimo Proverb

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.-Claudia Ghandi

May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you.



The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares. -Henri Nouwen



Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you. -Pueblo Blessing


I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying. - Henry van Dyke (1852 – 1933) American author, educator, and clergyman (RIP Juliette my friend, we miss you)



You will embark on a fair sea,
and at times there will be fair weather, but not always.
You will meet storms and overcome them.
You will take it in turns to steer your boat through fair weather and foul. Never lose courage.
Save harbour awaits you...in the end.- Daphne Du Maurer



May the blessings of love be upon you
May its peace abide with you
May its essence illuminate your heart
Now and forever more . . . . - Sufi Blessing

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (AMEN)




I have heard different versions of this at funerals/memorials:

The Dash

By Linda Ellis


I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

And spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth

And now only those who love her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

The cars…the house…the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile…

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is read

With your life’s actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4)

Your absence has gone through me / Like a thread through a needle / Everything I do is stitched with its color --W.S. Merwin

It is a curious thing in human experience, but to live through a period of stress and sorrow with another person creates a bond which nothing seems able to break. --Eleanor Roosevelt (for my Wids)

Grief and joy are a revolving wheel. --Tamil proverb

If anyone desires a wish to come true they must capture a butterfly and whisper that wish to it. Since they make no sound, they can’t tell the wish to anyone but the Great Spirit. So by making the wish and releasing the butterfly it will be taken to the heavens and be granted. -Indian Butterfly Legend

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars. --Og Mandino

The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.



Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,

they're in each other all along.-Rumi, so happy I wrote this in a card to Mike not long before he died.


I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown

You Raise Me Up

How did I survive this nightmare? The horrifying rollercoaster of grief? Yes, love of family, friends, grief counseling, faith and prayer helped. But the lifeline was the young widow bulletin board. please respect us and only visit the site if you have lost your significant other to death: http://www.ywbb.org/.

I went to this wonderful online support system and found understanding and strength. No matter how crazy I felt people told me I was normal. About three months out I met 3 young women from this board at the Cheesecake Factory. We told our stories and laughed. no tears that day. It was like receiving a transfusion. we meet regularly. we are there for eachother no matter what. I've traveled to the city and met widows and widowers. everytime is like getting that life saving blood. I am so blessed to be able to attend a large young widow/widower gathering in FL over MLK weekend. I can't wait! I need a vacation. It will be great to meet some of the people from the board who are not local. Especially after the holidays, Mike's bday and right before our wedding anniversary.

We call these gatherings WidowBagos. Bago for short. Nothing is more healing. My recent trip to the city caused me to reflect back to the first meeting Sept '09. I had to face it...I have really changed.

After Mike died I was lost. I no longer knew who I was. A little bit at a time I am finding the new me.

For my "Trio" ...

Today's Gift

I posted my beach pics on facebook today. I received this beautiful comment that will comfort me for all time. Yes, I cried, but the healing truth is right here:


on a warm sunny day you see his shadow, on a cold dark night you feel his warmth, When you close your eyes you can see his face and when you open them he is gone. You sit and you wonder where did he go? then you look down at your chest and know that in your heart he is home!

gifted to me by, MIKEY B (INSPIRED BY JONES BEACH PHOTOS 11/3/10)

"Funny the Way it Is" about this man I call Mikey B (hope he doesn't mind)
He has been close to our family since long before I entered this family. My Mike didn't respect many people but he really loved and was so proud of him...yes, he respected him. Everyone in the family talked about him all the time. He is a witness to their lives. I never met him until just after Mike died. I came downstairs in the numb devastation of the newly bereaved and there he was in our living room. As he hugged me, I felt so comforted. This widow actually told this young man how great he smelled as I was holding him, meeting him the first time! Hardly proper widow behaivor! (my Mike would've laughed his ass off!) Right away I saw he had a deep spirit with true knowledge of loss and brought comfort to all of us. Mike's sister was looking for the prayer or poem for Mike's memorial cards to be ordered from the funeral home. Mike had the text right in his phone of the message we wanted but didnt know:

Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft star that shines at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there; I did not die.







i

We got engaged 9 years ago today

It has been 509 days since Mike died according to the date duration calendar. We got engaged at sunset on November 3, 2001 at Jones Beach Field 6. Mike was so romantic, so sure. So was I. We knew eachother about 6 months and we were kind of dating but we officially became a couple on 7/3/2001. Mom's bday. We went to Bayville that day. He was so vulnerabe and confident at the same time. After he proposed we went to my parents and then dinner at Boulder Creek. Mike was a very picky eater. I was introduced to Castle Mountain fries. Almost all family celebrations were held at Boulder Creek. Once I had the ring all I could do is gaze at how it sparkled in different light. A coworker who was a Deacon blessed it for me. We wanted to marry right away but for complicated reasons it was best to wait till his son turned 18. We got married 6 days later. Happiest day of my life!!!

Fall has always been my favorite season. It was pretty at the cemetery today but I felt called to go to the beach. The pics above are from today. The bench is where he proposed to me. His son said he shouldn't get down on one knee because he might not be able to get back up! Just because someone's IQ is low doesn't mean they can't be smart and funny as hell. He is the gift Mike gave me. He needed a Mom. I still have a bit of Mike because I have his son. It was my destiny to parent Pete and Michele. I came along late but we are family now. Sadly, as I left the beach today, I kissed his St Michael Medal on my car visor and actually said goodbye...promised he will always be in my heart and the love of my life but said the hardest words.

Next post...my gift from today

I Am Supposed to Journal

I's part of the grief process. It is important. I have avoided it in any form like the plauge. Yet, here I am more than 16 months out and I keep getting affirmations that support my starting this journal. I am afraid but hopeful. Losing my beloved husband on June 13, 2009 was devastating, I waited and struggled until I was 38 to find my knight in shining honor, the missing peice of my puzzle, my favorite song...finally the miracle of finding someone who unconditionally and romantically loved me exactly as I was. Someone I trusted completely. As this blog grows I will share about my past, my marraige, my health and my grief. I will share about the amazing funny loving man who found me and loved me into loving him with all my heart and soul. I was so grateful we would be witnesses to each other's lives. it was so important to me but it was stolen from me. I don't blame Mike, I don't blame God. There is a randomness in nature. That is why sometimes bad things happen for no reason. That is what I believe. I have so much to say but this will be a long process. I am not going to start at the beginning. I am going to start with today. Then we will see what happens.