I'm a Spoonie

I live with quite a few chronic illneses. I grew up with birth defects that resulted in too many surgeries to count. I was attacked in college. I have body image issues. I used to be a strong successful working woman. But I was the Queen of stress. When I met Mike I was working but had been in and out of the hospital with septicemia. I was being treated for situational anxiety. He came in to my life and loved me exactly as I was. I mellowed in my time with Mike. I finally had to admit I couldn't work anymore. Each episode of septicemia was worse than the last. the fatigue was bone crushing. While we were together I went to the hospital with a fever over 106 degrees. I remember hallucinating, the ice packs and my roommate screaming for help because I was so sick and noone answered the bell. Since then, my full time job is to stay out of the hospital and help Mike's son reach his potential and realize unconditional "motherly" love. I used to volunteer a great bit. I can't do as much as before but I try my best. Now that Mike isn't here to boost my self esteem it is more important than ever that I do for others to the best of my ability. He is also no longer here to threaten to "remove the tires and put the car on blocks" so I don't overdo. The kids try to keep me in check. But it is my job to learn balance. My whole life I've believed my life will be better if I do for others. Being on disability and no longer having Mike's $ has added terrible stress to our lives. But we won't break. We do our best to help ourselves and do what we can to affect some positive change in the world. But some days I just don't have any spoons. Click on But you Don't Look Sick link on the left to read the 'Spoon Theory'. The best explanation of living with chronic illness I could ever imagine. I just wish I could predict how many spoons I'd have each day! The pain stress depression cycle is a reality. Grieving really complicates it. When is it my health? When is it my grief? Secret...usually it's both.
Here is a shortcut to TheSpoon Theory but I do recommend you visit the site:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

Congrats Christine on the Spoonie video: